


I Still Burn for You

by timelostdoctor



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Human!Doc, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:42:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29838297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timelostdoctor/pseuds/timelostdoctor
Summary: Yazmin Khan and the Doctor's relationship has been over for ten months. Ten months in which they haven't seen or spoken to each other. With Sonya and Ryan getting married, they are both part of the wedding party. How can they find happiness for their friends when they both wish it was their wedding instead.I also want to say this fic would in no way be what it is without my masterclass editor, verynearlysouffled.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 59





	1. Look at this Photograph

Yasmin Khan held the thick envelope in her hand. Of course they would invite  _ her _ to the wedding. How could they not, when she had almost seamlessly stepped into a maternal role for Ryan. She couldn’t have expected him not to. Water splattered onto the envelope and she swiped at it, trying to make sure it wasn’t ruined. 

Gentle hands took the envelope from her. “Yaz,” her mother’s voice started, but Yaz didn’t listen. She pushed up from the kitchen table where they were working to put the wedding invitations together, grabbed her jacket, and walked out the door. She didn’t make it far, just a few steps outside the building, before she felt the sobs coming. 

Ten months. It had been ten months. That should have been more than enough time for Yaz to get over her, to move on with her life, but she couldn’t. She ducked into the small, dirty space between her building and the next and leaned forward, pressing her hands against the wall. She took in deep breaths, trying to calm herself.

In all the excitement of trying to plan Sonya and Ryan’s wedding, she hadn’t thought once about who would be on the guest list. Neither of them had even thought to talk to her about it! She took in another deep breath, letting the anger settle into her chest. Angry was better than sad. Anger she could work with. Sad just left her empty. 

She took a few more minutes to collect herself before going back to her flat. She hated the pitying looks she received from her family. Sonya stood and Yaz held up her hand and shook her head. “Not now, Son. I’m fine. It’s fine.” She reclaimed her seat and picked up the next invitation, stuffing it into the envelope. Then she threw it down. “You could have told me you were inviting her. A little warning.” She swallowed as she felt tears build again. 

“I’m sorry,” Sonya’s voice sounded truly apologetic, which was rare. “You know how important she is to Ryan.”

And there it was. Yaz knew they were still talking and it sent stabbing pains through her heart. It wasn’t like she had any sort of claim to Ryan, after all.They had all met at the same time and formed their friendships their own way. Ryan had looked up to _ her  _ almost like a mother and given his luck with parental figures, Yaz couldn’t blame him for wanting her there or talking to her despite what had happened. 

“She’s still going by that ridiculous moniker, is she?” Najia Khan picked up the envelope. “The Doctor. Honestly, you would think she’s still a child.”

Yaz knew it was for her benefit but it didn’t make her feel any better. Joan Smith might have been her legal name, but everyone called her the Doctor. Radiant blonde hair, brilliant hazel eyes, and a bright, shining smile flashed through Yaz’s thoughts. She tried to push them away, to stuff another wedding invitation into another thick envelope, but she couldn’t. She felt the tears on her cheek this time. Without a word she left the table and slammed the door to her room. 

Stacks of colorful boxes lined the shelves in her closet. One, deep and blue, covered in hearts and 13s and stars, had been shoved to the back and hidden. That was the one Yaz dug for. She pulled it out and settled herself into the middle of her room, hands hovering above the lid. It had been months since she had allowed herself to look at these. Now her hands shook as they grasped the box lid and pulled it off, tossing it onto her bed. 

Pictures. Pictures of the Doctor making faces at the camera, of the two of them together, of Yaz, all tied to when they were together. When they were happy. Alone in the privacy of her room, Yaz didn’t bother wiping away the tears as she dug through the photos. There was the doctor in a ball cap on the beach, the vanilla scoop slipping off her cone. Yaz and the Doctor with some filter over their faces to make them look like werewolves. Here they must have been at a concert. Their hands were intertwined and the Doctor was leaning over and whispering something into Yaz’s ear. Or maybe pressing a kiss to her cheek. 

The pain that bloomed in her chest was almost bearable, nothing like it had been when she’d hidden all these away months ago. It still hurt. It still hurt enough to make her cry, to make her tremble, to make her question all the decisions that had led to their fight ten months ago, but compared to how she’d left then, this pain was something she could handle. 

She picked up another picture and her thoughts stopped. The Doctor was on one knee, an ecstatic grin on her face as a blurry Yaz began to throw herself at the Doctor. 

Maybe this wasn’t a pain she could handle after all. 

Yaz wrapped her arms around her middle, the pictures falling to the side as she slid to the ground. She sucked in air before it came out in choked sobs. She pressed the pad of her palm to her mouth, trying to stifle the sound so she didn’t alert her family. The last thing she needed was them walking on eggshells around her again. 

It had been so long, so why was it still so painful? Wasn’t time and space supposed to be what helped them move on? She was certain the Doctor would have. That was one of the Doctor’s numerous mottos, wasn’t it? Don’t look back. Yaz was certain that the Doctor’s world didn’t crash around her everytime she thought of Yaz like Yaz’s did when she thought of the Doctor. She was probably flashing that heart-melting smile at someone else now. Being happy away from Yaz, with someone she loved and trusted. 

Yaz forced herself up and dried her eyes on the hem of her shirt before changing into her running gear. This wasn’t going to help anything and she needed to let off some steam. She didn’t look at her family once as she walked out the door, her headphones blocking Sonya’s distressed calls of her name. 

When she finally made it back to the flat, it was well past dark. She had ran and listened to her music, turning it up whenever her thoughts got louder. She quietly let herself in and when it sounded like everyone was in the kitchen, slipped quietly into her room. 

Someone had cleaned up the mess she had made and she was thankful she hadn’t had to face the images again. She didn’t change out of her sweaty clothing, opting to fall onto her still-made bed and let exhaustion roll over her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited for this! I have something resembling a plan and, most importantly, two idiots to get together. Or not. Maybe the whole wedding crashes and burns around them. Guess we'll see! 
> 
> I do promise to behave myself. I plan to post a chapter a day. I clearly see how I want this to go and I know how to get there.


	2. Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The Doctor sat in her office at home, sipping her tea and flipping through the mail that had arrived while she was at work that morning. It was the usual stuff, mostly junk, one acceptance letter for an article she had written and...something fancy? She squinted at it, the thick lavender paper not like anything she typically received. A quick glance told her it was from Ryan, so she assumed it was a greeting card of some sort. It wasn’t anywhere near her birthday or any other holiday, though, so she frowned as she opened it. 

Out slid a cream colored cardstock with golden words emblazoned. 

> **_You are cordially invited to the wedding of_ **
> 
> **_Sonya Khan_ **
> 
> **_ & _ **
> 
> **_Ryan Sinclair_ **
> 
> **_On Saturday, 23th of October 2021_ **

An additional note slid out of the envelope, this one handwritten in Ryan’s messy scrawl. 

_Doctor,_

_I know I should have called or texted you, but we both know how often you reply or even look at that thing. I need you here. You’ll be with Graham the whole time, I have it all worked out. Besides, we both know how much you love to dance. Call me when you’re free._

- _Ryan_

She smiled at the note, holding it fondly. She still remembered the night Ryan had proposed. Not that she had been there, but because he had called her after, nearly blasting her ear off in his excitement after Sonya had said yes. 

Her eyes slid back to the invitation, the glimmering word _Khan_ catching her eye. She let her fingers trace over the letters before sighing. She tore her eyes away from that only for them to catch on the framed photo of an Indian woman, her hair partially pulled up into twin buns and her grin wild as she tried and failed to block the camera. 

The Doctor sat down and pulled the frame closer, sitting it beside the invitation. On the one hand, she couldn’t let Ryan down. Not again. His relationship with his father was rocky at best, both his mother and grandmother had died, and now his only real family was his step-grandfather, Graham. He and Graham were close now, which the Doctor was thankful for, but if she didn’t go to his wedding, what would that say to him? That he wasn’t important to her? That, like every other parental figure in his life, she was going to vanish off the face of the Earth? Her move to Leeds had been difficult enough, and that was only an hour away. 

Then her eyes were back on Yaz and, like every time she let herself think about the woman, she found she couldn’t breathe. The air caught in her throat and it wouldn’t move. Surely since this was her sister’s wedding, Yaz would be there. Probably the maid-of-honor. Giving it a second thought, it was more likely to be bridesmaid. The sister’s were close, but not in that way. So there would the Doctor be, sitting beside Graham, while she had to look up and see Yaz standing radiant in a beautiful dress, smiling and laughing and living her life. 

Without her. 

Her mind took off, seeing Yaz with a date, their arms around her shoulders, their lips pressing into her cheek, her smile directed at them, those sparkling warm brown eyes sharing secret looks with someone else. 

The Doctor had to force herself to breathe. In and out. In and out. That was the entire reason she had moved to Leeds. She had been happy with what she was doing in Sheffield. She had been happy with Yaz until it had all fallen apart. She didn’t even know when or where it had gone wrong, just that one day Yaz had told her she couldn't do it anymore, couldn’t do _them_ anymore. 

The Doctor had moved the next week. 

She had given Yaz her space and waited for her to call or text or _anything_ to show that she could possibly want to talk, but Yaz had never sent anything. The Doctor had only sent two texts, one giving Yaz her new address and the other reminding Yaz that she loved her. Her hands clenched into fists and she forced herself to breath deeply against the feeling of her chest tightening. Giving Yaz space and time after that transformed into ten months apart. Ten months since she had last seen or heard from Yaz. Ten months of not knowing what had gone wrong or how she could have stopped it. 

The thought of seeing Yaz again scared her more than anything she had ever faced. The thought of Yaz looking at her and not seeing love in her eyes or worse, seeing revulsion, made her want to puke. For so long Yaz had been what she revolved around and then it was suddenly taken and off she went, without her sun, flying through the void. 

Of course, this could be good. She could have a chance to talk to Yaz. To get an explanation. To apologize for whatever she had done. 

Before she could change her mind she dug through her bag and found her phone, dialing Ryan Sinclair as quickly as she could. 

“Hey, Doctor!” His voice was jovial. 

She forced a cheery voice. “Ryan! Got the invite! Do you really think I’d miss your wedding?” He laughed and she found herself relaxing ever so slightly. “So you’ve relegated my plus one to Graham, have you?”

“Do you need a plus one?” His tone was sincere, but it stopped the Doctor in her tracks. The line hung dead for a minute as Ryan waited on his answer. Everything she had imagined before, of Yaz having moved on from her, was flashing through her head. “Doc?” Ryan sounded concerned now.

“Oh, well, you know me.” She cleared her throat, trying to make it sound casual. “Does Yaz have a plus one?”

She heard Ryan sigh. “Doctor.”

Her eyes squeezed shut. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m trying, really, I am. You don’t worry about me. And no, I don’t need a plus one. I’m there for you.” 

“You better be,” he said, his tone teasing. “Well, I’m on shift, so I have to go. Take care of yourself.”

“Always.”

“And Doctor,” Ryan added. “Yaz doesn’t have a plus one, either.”

That she felt _good_ about that, that the information made her _happy_ , also made her feel guilty. She wanted Yaz to be happy. Yaz’s happiness had once been paramount. If she was truthful with herself, it still was. But that Yaz hadn’t found someone else meant that maybe she hadn’t moved on. Maybe they weren’t through. 

_Or maybe she’s just not bringing them to the wedding._

The Doctor picked up the wedding invitation and shoved it into her bag. After a quick email cancelling all classes for the rest of the week, and with fall break starting the next week, she had plenty of time to come up with a plan to win Yaz back. She could fix whatever it was she had done wrong. She could fix everything. 

She could fix them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would love to hear your thoughts!


	3. What Once Was Mine

Yaz stared at her phone, letting the egg sandwich she had been eating drop to her plate. She had asked Ryan to tell her once the Doctor arrived but she hadn’t expected her to be five days early. What could she possibly want to do during those five days? Then Yaz sighed. The Doctor hadn’t been back to Sheffield in the ten months they had been broken up, so it was most likely that she just wanted to spend some time with Ryan and Graham. It was normal. 

But that was five days she couldn’t go around to their house to escape the madness at her family’s flat. Somehow the groom’s house wasn’t being turned upside-down in the wake of wedding planning like their tiny flat had. 

It was enough knowing the Doctor was here again. Knowing that she was so close that Yaz could probably shout and she would hear. Not that Yaz wanted to do that. There was no way the Doctor wanted to see her again. She had left fast enough once Yaz had cut her loose, like she couldn’t wait to be away from Yaz and took the first chance she got. Ran and never looked back.

Now she was here and Yaz felt boxed in. Trapped. Where could she run to?

Another text came just minutes after the first.

_ She wants to see you. _

The words burned into her eyes as she stared at them. Was this just Ryan trying to make her feel better? It was like him to do that. The Doctor didn’t want to see her. The Doctor had run as fast as she could away from Sheffield and away from Yaz. She hadn’t even bothered to tell anyone until she was gone and had a new address. 

It had been a week of no one seeing or hearing from her, of them all on edge and panicking, and what does the Doctor do? Sends Yaz a text with her new address and the line  _ I live here now. _ And then immediately after another text.  _ I love you so much, Yaz. So much. _ She had added a kissy heart emoji, the one that used to be Yaz’s signature on every text she sent the Doctor. It had broken her heart to see it, to get those messages. It had made her angry that the Doctor could just up and leave and not put a thought into those she was leaving behind. If the Doctor loved her, why had she left? Why had she run away instead of staying? 

Sadness and anger were in a constant battle over Yaz’s moods. Always one or the other or both but only those two, until now. That stupid text message, those little black words on her phone screen, let the storm die down enough for just a second, just enough for something else to join the fray. A little golden sliver of hope. 

The anger took over from hope quickly. How dare the Doctor think she can just waltz back into Yaz’s life just like that? After Yaz had asked for a bit of time to think and then the Doctor had left. She had made herself more than clear to Yaz. She hadn’t had to think after the Doctor left. What had there been left to think about? What the Doctor wanted was made clear. 

Yaz’s hands hovered over the keyboard. What was she going to say? No, I never want to see her again? It was all Yaz’s heart yearned for. She was still what Yaz thought of in the morning and before she drifted to sleep at night. The Doctor had dropped into Yaz’s life and shaken her to her core and then vanished. Of course she wanted to see her again.

Feeling the burning of her eyes that meant tears were coming, she left the kitchen and closed herself off in her room, locking the door for extra measure, and let her mind wander over their past. 

-

_ Yaz was sitting on their bright purple couch in their flat, wrapped in a blanket and staring at the tv, not really watching it. It was muted as she listened for a key in the door and finally it came. Nearly one o’clock in the morning. The Doctor blinked, confused at the bright lights that greeted her. Then she spotted Yaz and her face did that cute thing it always did when she was worried. She pulled out her phone but saw no missed calls or texts but Yaz knew there were none. Her forehead wrinkled as she looked at Yaz.  _

_ Yaz didn’t want to be the kind of girl who worried about these things. Who thought the worst at every given moment. But recently it was all she could think of. Still, she didn’t want to sound like she was accusing the Doctor of anything. Maybe her fears were unfounded. Maybe this was all in her head. She could only hope. She swallowed. “I was just waiting on you,” she said. _

_ The Doctor gave Yaz a smile and dropped her stuff in front of the door, not giving any of it a second glance as she walked to the couch and wrapped her arms tightly around Yaz. Yaz let her eyes close and melted into the embrace. “M’sorry,” the Doctor said, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I was so engrossed I forgot to call.”  _

_ “What were you doing?” Yaz asked. She hoped it sounded light and conversational. _

_ The Doctor shrugged. “Ah, the same old. Research for an article. You know how I get sometimes.” _

_ Yaz swallowed and nodded. “Which article were you working on today?” _

_ The Doctor sat up, eyes sparkling and a grin across her face. “Oh, it’s brilliant, Yaz. After lunch with River she texted me this brilliant idea and so we’re looking into how it could work out. The very basics is-” and here Yaz zoned out, listening to the Doctor’s voice, hearing her words, but understanding nothing of the work she was doing. Theoretical astrophysics was not something easy to pick up, even if you lived with someone who lived for the subject. Instead her mind focused on the other thing the Doctor had said. She had been with River.  _

_ River, her ex-girlfriend. Who was brilliant in her own right, Yaz knew. Both River and the Doctor had met during college, having been housed together because of their young age. The Doctor had already managed a community college degree and was working toward one of her bachelor degrees. River was just starting on her first degree, but they were both so young. The Doctor had been sixteen and River fifteen, having been granted special permission by the school and her parents to attend.  _

_ From what little Yaz knew, they had been instant friends and started dating not long after, staying together until it was time for the Doctor to move onto to a new school to get her first master’s degree (which was also where she got her second bachelor’s at the same time. Yaz always marveled at how she had managed it). The Doctor and River were a consistent on and off again thing for years, and her presence in the Doctor’s life now terrified Yaz. The Doctor and River both admitted to not being particularly monogamous and given their history, knowing the Doctor had been with River all night left a pit in her stomach.  _

_ - _

That same pit was there now as Yaz stared at her phone screen. Yaz shook her head and wrote Ryan back.  _ I’ll see her at the practice dinner. That’s soon enough. _ He read it instantly but didn't reply back, so she dropped the phone on the bed and buried her face into a pillow. At least she still had three more days until she had to come face to face with her. 

Ten minutes later someone was knocking on her bedroom door. She heard Sonya’s muffled voice. “She doesn’t have a choice, she’s coming with me,” she heard her say. Curious, Yaz opened the door and Sonya flashed her an overly large grin. Yaz narrowed her eyes. “This is me giving you the warning you asked for. The Doctor  _ will _ be at my hen night.” She said the words with force, both seemingly to Yaz and into the phone still pressed to her ear. “And so will you. No arguments.” Sonya walked off, leaving Yaz standing in the doorway of her bedroom, her mouth agape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what are you guys thinking so far?


	4. Home

For the brief seconds between knocking on the door and it opening, the Doctor was afraid things would be different between them. She had left without a word, after all, and while she thought they had sorted that all out after she explained, this was the first time seeing Ryan or Graham in person in ten months. Her heart was fluttering as she waited. But then the door was opening, warm light spilling out, warming the dark night. “Doctor?” Graham rubbed his eyes once before a smile crossed his face. “It is you! Well come on in! I thought you were coming in the morning.” The Doctor had the good sense to look sheepish at that. It was nearly 2 a.m. after all. 

“Got restless. Was going to stay out in my old blue box,” she said, pointing over her shoulder at a deep blue Volkswagen van, “but last time I did that you got upset with me.”

Graham shook his head. “Ryan! Doc’s here!” 

There was a loud thud and then a scramble down the hall and careful footsteps down the steps, and then he was in front of her. Headphones hung around his neck and he was in a t-shirt and ball shorts, clearly having been relaxing in his room. His grin practically lit the room and the Doctor felt her heart constrict. How had she kept herself away this long? His fingers twitched and she knew he was itching to reach out and grab her into a hug. He had always been so good at respecting her personal boundaries, though, especially when it came to her aversion to other people touching her. 

With a wide grin she opened her arms and he rushed forward, wrapping his own tightly around her. “You’re here!” He gave a giggle as she squeezed him back before pulling away. “You really came.”

She did her best to not let the smile fall from her face. “Of course I did. I would never miss something as important as this.”

“Do you need help with your bags, Doc?” Graham asked. 

The Doctor shook her head and reached behind her, patting her backpack. “Nah, got it all in here.”

Graham and Ryan shared an identical eyebrow-raised look. “You do have a formal outfit for my wedding, don’t you?”

The Doctor looked between them and laughed. “Yes, of course. My suit is out in the tardis. Guess I forgot to grab it.”

“We’ll get it in the morning,” Graham grumbled. “Let’s go back to bed.”

Ryan clapped his hands. “I’m sure you remember but I’ll show you the guest room anyway.” It was a basic room, dressers and a bed and a mirror, just like she remembered from when she had last stayed with the O’Brien’s. Ryan hovered by the door for a few minutes, watching as she settled in. Then he cleared his throat. “So, I wanted to tell you before. You’re with Graham for a reason at the wedding, you know.”

The Doctor nodded. “Because we’re friends.”

“No.” When he noticed the Doctor’s confused look he shook his head and sat next to her on the bed. “I mean, you  _ are  _ friends, yes, but that isn’t the reason.” His fingers drummed on his kneecaps and he took a deep breath. “You know I don’t have my mum anymore. Or my nan.” The Doctor nodded, but Ryan didn’t notice. He was looking at the wall in front of them. He took a deep breath before looking at her. “I - I was hoping you would do the mother of the groom's speech. Graham is doing the father’s part and of course Sonya’s got her parents, but -”

The Doctor put her hand on his shoulder and his mouth snapped shut. “Ryan, I would be honored.” 

He grinned and stood. “I’m just going to go to bed now. Big day tomorrow. Well, a big week really.” He shut the door as he left and the Doctor fell back onto her bed. She kept opening her phone and typing messages to Yaz only to erase them and start over again.

_ I’m in Sheffield.  _

_ Want to get a coffee? _

_ Do you want to meet up? _

_ Hey Yaz, I’m at Ryan’s and it’s only making me miss you more. _

After the last one she gave up, turning her phone completely off. At this hour, it would seem like something it wasn’t. No, she would wait until morning to contact Yaz.

Morning came early around the O’Brien household. She heard Ryan stomping around and Graham puttering about. With a groan she pushed herself up out of bed and made her way into the kitchen in search of a cup of tea. 

“Morning,” Ryan greeted her from the table. “Didn’t sleep much, did you?”

She shrugged. “It’s fine. You know me, my mind likes to go all the time.” She flashed him a smile as she looked for the sugar. “You’re up early, too.”

Ryan was just pulling a spoon full of cereal from his mouth so he nodded and swallowed quickly. “Yeah. We’re decorating the place today. Tomorrow are our hen and stag nights, then the rehearsal, and then we get married.” His laugh and grin brought a warmth to the Doctor’s chest. “It’s so exhilarating knowing you’re spending the rest of your life with someone you love.”

Her eyes fluttered closed for just a second, while her back was turned and Ryan couldn’t see. It wouldn’t do to bring down his mood with the ache his words sent through his chest.

Not that it worked. Ryan was as perceptive as always. “I mean, you do know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“No, Ryan. You should. You should be so happy right now.” She took a breath and turned toward him. “Never you mind me. I’ll be fine.”

They stayed in silence for a moment as Ryan ate his cereal and the Doctor spooned her sugar into her mouth. “I can text her. Ask her to come over.”

The Doctor wanted to say yes, wanted nothing more than to have Yaz in front of her that very second, but she shook her head. “You have more important things to worry about.” She sat next to him. “Besides, she doesn’t want to see me. She’s made that clear.”

“But you want to see her?”

The Doctor looked at him, lips tightly pressed together. “Of course I do,” she eventually said. “But that isn’t what she wants and I won’t force the issue.” She took a sip of tea and sat the cup back down, staring into it like it held her future. “You know I had a bit of an elaborate plan for the whole day. I wanted to do all these big grand gestures to make her see how much I still loved her. Then I realized something.”

“What?”

“None of it mattered. Yaz never cared about any of that.” She laughed. “I almost showed up at her house last night. Ready to declare my love.” She swallowed against a lump in her throat. “But it’s over and I need to accept that. It doesn’t matter what I’m feeling or what I want when Yaz doesn’t want the same thing.”

She saw a flicker of something on his face but it was gone before she could question it. “Do you want to help decorate today?” Thrown by the sudden change in topic, the Doctor blinked. “Yaz won’t be there. She’s got other plans with Sonya and the bridesmaids. Nails or something, I’m not sure.”

The Doctor nodded. “Okay.” 

The whole day Ryan seemed on edge and the Doctor couldn’t figure out why until his phone rang and he answered it with a giddy grin. “Hi, Sonya.” She smiled softly to herself and kept hanging lights until Ryan called over to her. “Hey Doc, Sonya says she needs you for her hen party!”

“What?” It wasn’t that she hadn’t heard him but that she didn’t believe what she had heard. “No, I was going to your stag night. We had plans, remember?”

He gave her a mischievous smile. “Doctor says she wants to go to my stag night.” He nodded and looked at her. “The bride says you don’t get a choice. You’re going with her.”

“Ryan,” the Doctor said, gripping his arm. “Yaz will be there.”

“You’ll be okay.” He patted her arm and walked off, laughing at something Sonya said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today brings good news! The story is completely written, and once I make the edits to chapter 10, all that's left to do is put up the chapters. 
> 
> As always, I love to hear your thoughts on what I'm writing. Love you all and I'll see you at tomorrow with chapter 5!


	5. Memory Lane

For the rest of the day, both Yaz and the Doctor fretted about the party the next night. They both were distracted by thoughts of seeing the other again and memories of the past. 

-

_ Yaz felt heat burn her cheeks as she looked at the Doctor, uncertain. Had she just asked her on a date? Yaz didn’t think so. They could get coffee alone and it not be a date, couldn’t they? Yaz nodded more to herself than the Doctor. “Yeah, sure. Coffee.” The Doctor smiled her easy smile and Yaz found herself disappointed. This really wasn’t a date. They chatted about their normal stuff as they walked to the coffee shop: the Doctor’s work, what Yaz was going to do for the week, something funny Ryan had said or Graham had done.  _

_ Then she felt the Doctor’s hand touch hers, very gently wrapping itself around Yaz’s own. She hadn’t meant to stop, but she did, and the Doctor pulled away instantly, eyes wide as she looked at Yaz. “I’m sorry. I thought-” she waved her hand in the air as if trying to erase the words. “Nevermind.” A flush was creeping up her neck and Yaz let out a giggle that only egged it on. “Sorry,” the Doctor said again. _

_ “Wait,” Yaz said. “It was unexpected, is all.” She stepped forward and took the Doctor’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I like this.” _

_ The Doctor looked down at their hands and smiled. Looking back up and meeting Yaz’s eyes, she said, “I like you.” _

_ - _

Yaz found herself blinking back tears as the man worked on her pedicure. He offered her an apology and it was all she could do to smile.

-

_ It was a cold winter night and they were in an empty park, sitting on the swingset, looking up at the stars. The night was clear and bright and everything was perfect. A light blanket of snow covered the ground making the world around them shine. It had only been a week since their coffee date, but they had spent every spare moment together.  _

_ Giving into the whimsical childlike atmosphere, the Doctor jumped from the swing at its apex and landed briefly on her feet before she fell flat on her back, slipping on the snow. She had hit her head on something and it was softly thumping, but then Yaz was by her side, her brow drawn in concern.  _

_ “Doctor, are you okay?” Her hands were fluttering above the Doctor’s body, unsure of what to do.  _

_ The Doctor laughed as she sat up. She ignored the pain in her head as she gazed at Yaz. “Better now that you’re here.” Her words were soft and gentle. Yaz was smiling, and the moon and snow had combined forces to give her an ethereal glow, and suddenly there was nothing the Doctor wanted more than to kiss Yaz.  _

_ She was quick when she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Yaz’s. Soft and enticing and gone all too soon, but the Doctor knew she had to pull back, had to make sure Yaz was happy.  _

_ Yaz giggled and grabbed the Doctor’s lapels. “Come here,” she whispered.  _

_ - _

The venue was coming together nicely. Lavender and gold draped the tables gracefully. The lights sparkled like diamonds against the ceiling. Vases stood empty and at attention, waiting for Saturday when they would receive their charges. 

_ - _

_ In movies and books it’s always this big moment, but for Yaz, it just slipped out. They had been dating for just two months and the Doctor was at Yaz’s family’s flat. The whole family was there watching a movie when the Doctor wandered into the kitchen and came back with two cups of tea, handing one off to Yaz. A dash of milk and one sugar, just the way Yaz liked it. She had smiled as the Doctor sat next to her again, wrapping an arm around Yaz’s shoulder. The Doctor had smiled at her, and warmth had spread through her chest, and she couldn’t have stopped the words if she wanted to. “I love you.” _

_ The Doctor’s reply hadn’t given her a chance to panic. Her eyes sparkled as she looked at Yaz like she was the whole world. “I love you.” Yaz leaned her head over onto the Doctor’s shoulder, her heart beating hard and fast against her chest. Snuggled against the Doctor, feeling warm and safe and  _ loved _ , her eyelids became heavy and she fell asleep.  _

_ - _

The maid of honor was telling Yaz something like it was the most important story on earth. Something about Sonya, she thought, but she didn’t have the heart to listen. If this wasn’t her sister’s wedding, she would have ducked out of the festivities a long time ago.

_ - _

_ The first time Yaz noticed being jealous of anyone had been the day they had run into a woman named Rose Tyler. The Doctor had been adamant about some research she needed to do and that she had to have Yaz with her, so they were in London with little test tubes collecting water from everywhere they could find. Little ponds, puddles, the river. They had been on their way for a quick lunch when the Doctor had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.  _

_ “No way,” she said. She pulled Yaz along, yelling, “Rose!” until the other woman stopped and turned back.  _

_ Rose laughed and pulled the Doctor in for a hug. “It’s been years. How are you?” A quick glance at Yaz turned into a full-blown grin. “And who is this?” _

_ The Doctor was grinning. “Rose, Yaz. Yaz, Rose. This is brilliant!” She turned to Yaz and explained. “Rose and I go way back. I think…” she paused for a second while she thought, and then nodded. “Yeah, we met when I was doing my first masters.” _

_ “You were, maybe. I was working in a shop.” Rose looked directly at Yaz as she said it, as if it could be their little secret. “She talked circles around me all the time.” _

_ “What?” The Doctor sounded mildly offended. “No, I didn’t.” _

_ Rose laughed and laid hand on the Doctor’s arm. “Please. I didn’t understand half of what I was agreeing to most of the time.”  _

_ “Oi, you could have asked.” _

_ Rose shook her head. “Never. Not knowing was half the fun!” She grinned at Yaz. “You should have seen the stuff we got up to back then.” She looked back at the Doctor with a smile. “Are you still just as scandalous?” _

_ “I was never scandalous,” the Doctor protested.  _

_ And so it went. It seemed the Doctor had lived in every part of England at some point, and it felt like they ran into her exes every time they were out of Sheffield. Every time they did, she watched how the Doctor leaned in toward them, how her eyes shined as they talked, how easy she was with them and the way they touched her.  _

_ The worst by far had been River. The other’s had happy home lives, or so it seemed, but no matter what, River and the Doctor were always too flirty for Yaz’s liking. It wasn’t like they tried to hide it, or that the Doctor kept any of it a secret, but eventually Yaz decided it would be best if she didn’t go with the Doctor and River whenever they wanted to talk academics. Or at all, really. It only made her jealous and she hated the feeling.  _

_ Besides, she trusted the Doctor. _

_ Didn’t she? _

_ - _

Once everything was said and done, the bridal party was supposed to go to the maid of honor’s house to celebrate. Yaz didn’t know what that was going to look like but she knew her sister deserved better than her sulking in a corner. With a quick hug, she excused herself and started the walk back to their flat. 

_ - _

_ The Doctor had put so much work into finding the perfect place. It took nearly two months before she found something both affordable and with the right amount of room, but she had done it. She had juggled around her finances just enough that the payments could be taken directly from her account and she had quietly enlisted the help of Ryan and Graham to decorate and now it was perfect, down to the bright purple couch sitting in the living room.  _

_ She was nearly beside herself as she led a blindfolded Yaz up the lift and through the door. She positioned her just inside the door with the best view of the living room and stepped back. “Okay, take it off.” She watched as Yaz pulled the blindfold off and looked around the room. Yaz turned to the Doctor with a questioning look. “It’s ours! If you want it.” The Doctor cleared her throat and Yaz saw the cute blush she got whenever she was flustered, heating her skin. “Do you want to move in together?” _

_ Yaz didn’t take her eyes off the Doctor as she nodded. The Doctor wrapped Yaz in her arms and spun her around until they were both laughing. “Welcome home, Yaz.” _

_ - _

With the decorating almost finished, the Doctor excused herself to walk back to the O’Brien’s, feigning the need for sleep. 

_ - _

_ The Doctor insisted they wear nice clothes when they went out despite the rain pouring down. The Doctor had arranged a special date night for them and seemed almost out of sorts trying to get ready for it. She fought with her suit, actually fixed her hair, and, much to Yaz’s surprise, changed out of her usual boots for some dress shoes.  _

_ The entire time they were at the restaurant, the Doctor was agitated. She couldn’t seem to get comfortable in her chair, she hardly touched her food, and she kept taking deep breaths, opening her mouth to say something, shaking her head, and squirming again. They left the restaurant not long after, the Doctor still distracted. Her hands would go into her pockets and then out, she would take Yaz’s hand only to let go minutes later to stretch them, until they made it to where the Doctor had been directing them to. That little coffee shop where they had their first date, and several more after. She rushed ahead and pulled open the door. “After you.” _

_ Even her voice sounded weird to Yaz’s ears. The Doctor glanced around the nearly empty shop and took a deep breath, leaving the line and pulling Yaz over to a window. “I love you,” she started, before Yaz could ask her what was wrong. “I love you so much, Yaz. So much it hurts and I don’t know what I would ever do without you.” _

_ Yaz could already feel her eyes blurring when the Doctor shoved her hands back into her pocket and dropped to one knee. The Doctor had pulled out a velvet box from her pocket and opened it, but Yaz only had eyes for the Doctor. Before the Doctor could finish saying, “Marry me, Yaz?” Yaz had already flung her arms around her, whispering yes over and over into the Doctor’s ear.  _

_ - _

If either Yaz or the Doctor had been paying attention, or had been watching where they were going, they would have spotted each other as their paths crossed. Instead Yaz walked down one sidewalk while the Doctor walked up the one on the other side, both too lost in their own thoughts to see what was right in front of them.

-

_ It was late when she got back, but with the research she and River were doing, it was late nearly every night when she got back. Two or three more days and they would have everything they needed for the paper they were co-authoring, and maybe more. This could lead to real results, real grant money and real research.  _

_ She was exhausted but giddy when she walked into their flat, looking for Yaz. Her girlfriend, no,  _ fiance _ , she reminded herself, had gotten into the habit of waiting up for her, but she was nowhere to be found. “Yaz,” the Doctor called. “You in?” As far as the Doctor remembered, Yaz didn’t have a shift that night. She heard movement from their bedroom and walked that way. Maybe Yaz was asleep? Or maybe she had a surprise? With a grin, the Doctor pushed open the door. _

_ Her face went slack. “What’s going on?” _

_ Yaz blinked away tears when she looked at her. She had clearly been crying, eyes bloodshot and mascara streaks on her cheeks, and now she was packing her clothes into a suitcase. Everything was thrown into it, with order a lost cause.  _

_ The Doctor took a step forward and tried again. “Yaz?” _

_ Yaz flinched back and the Doctor stopped.  _

_ After a moment, Yaz stopped packing and gave the Doctor an incredulous look. “I can’t do this right now, okay.” She sniffed, holding her hand to her forehead. “I can’t do this,” she said, more to herself than to the Doctor. The Doctor came close again and tried to wrap Yaz in a comforting hug, but she jerked back again so the Doctor let her arms fall to her sides.  _

_ Her mind felt like it was moving so slowly as she looked around the room. “You’re leaving,” she said. She heard Yaz make a noise that almost resembled a laugh, but it couldn’t have been one because none of this was funny. “Why?” The Doctor found Yaz’s face, though Yaz wouldn’t look her in the eye. “Have I done something? Yaz, I can fix it. Please.” _

_ The walls were starting to close in and she was finding it difficult to breath. It had been so long since she’d last had a panic attack, but now her heart was beating too fast and she wasn’t getting oxygen and Yaz was shaking her head and not looking at her and walking away.  _

_ When the door slammed shut the Doctor took a shuddering breath. She looked around the room, at  _ their _ things and  _ their _ bed in  _ their _ flat and she clutched her chest and forced lungfuls of air. Maybe if she ran she could catch Yaz. She could figure out what was going wrong.  _

_ Instead she grabbed a bookbag, threw a random handful of clothes in, ran to her Tardis, and drove. She drove for hours, from town to town, her phone eventually dying. Not that it mattered. Not that anything mattered. She slept in the van when she was tired and she drove when she wasn’t until she drove through Leeds for what had to be the third time.  _

_ The problem with her research had always been a lack of backing. Community colleges didn’t have the sort of funds she needed and that’s why she had to co-author every paper she wrote that needed any sort of specialized equipment. She didn’t give a thought to how she looked or what she was doing. At that moment all she did was almost pure instinct. She walked into the administrative building, ignored the secretaries and assistants who tried to stop her, and went straight into the president's office to ask for a job.  _

_ - _

Finally back at the O’Brien’s house, she collapsed onto the bed. She wasn’t ready to see Yaz. It couldn’t be tomorrow. If it wasn’t for Ryan she would leave right then and go back to Leeds. The hope she still had a chance was preferable to the absolute knowledge that Yaz didn’t love her anymore and after tomorrow, that hope would be crushed. When her chest got tight and her breath wouldn’t come, she stumbled into the kitchen for an ice cube to shove into her mouth. Then she all but collapsed by the refrigerator, shoulders heaving and tears rolling freely down her cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're halfway there! 5 more chapters after this one! I would love to hear your thoughts the chapter and story at large, so please, leave a comment.


	6. The Party

The Doctor had to keep reminding herself that this was for Ryan. She could get through this for him. Maybe the hen party would be bigger or busier than she was imagining and she wouldn’t come face-to-face with Yaz at all. What she hadn’t expected was to be barred entry to the Khan residence by a woman who didn’t live there. “Sorry, you can’t come in without an invite.” The Doctor frowned. It was the Khan flat, how would anyone know the party was happening if they weren’t invited. 

“I was invited.”

The woman looked her over and shook her head. “I don’t know you and I know everyone.”

A voice called out and footsteps came closer to the door, causing the Doctor to freeze. Of all the people that were in that bloody flat, it had to be  _ her. _ She thought she would have more time, that exposure to the flat would help her prepare for what was coming but then her face was in the doorway and the Doctor didn’t think it was possible but Yaz had gotten more beautiful in their time apart. Her warm brown skin was glowing, her voice a song, and it took every ounce of will power the Doctor had to not turn tail and run right then. As it was she had stopped breathing. 

“This woman says she was invited?”

“She was,” Yaz said. The woman who had been standing guard scoffed and left but the Doctor and Yaz stood, frozen. Yaz spoke first. “I’m not going to bite you. Come on.”

Stiffly, the Doctor moved past the door so Yaz could shut it. She was taking slow, deep breaths, already feeling a panic attack coming on. This had been a bad idea. She should have gone out with Ryan and his mates, did whatever they were doing. Someone touched her arm and she jumped, looking over to see Najia with a look on her face that the Doctor couldn't quite place. 

The Doctor’s mouth started spewing words before she could control it. “I should go, shouldn’t I? I knew I shouldn’t come, but Ryan and Sonya insisted. I’m just going to ruin everything and I’ll just go and get out of your hair.” She started to move toward the door but Najia stepped into her path. 

“It’s just popcorn and movies for now. Maybe you would like to help me in the kitchen?” She grabbed the Doctor’s sleeve, not giving her a choice, and soon the two women were settled around the table. The Doctor ended up with a cup of tea in front of her, so she wrapped her hands around the comforting warmth. “How’ve you been, Doctor?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Fine. Doing research. You know me.” She offered Najia a strained smile.

“And other than work?”

The Doctor swallowed and shook her head. “Just working. It’s what I’m good at.” The smile was a struggle to keep, so she let it fall. She kept glancing into the living room where she could see Yaz perched on the arm of a chair.

“Doctor,” Najia said, her tone so kind it almost worried the Doctor. “I have been keeping up with what you’re doing, reading all those articles. You’ve started publishing on your own.”

The Doctor grabbed the conversation. “Yes! Leeds has much better funding so I don’t have to depend on others.”

Najia smiled and leaned forward. “I saw your author portrait. It was very nice, you sitting at your desk like that. Do you know what else I saw?”

Confused, the Doctor shook her head. The one Najia was talking about had only been taken a few weeks ago, just before she’d received the invitation to the wedding. One of her articles was getting front page treatment and had wanted her to have something better than her school faculty photo. “What did you see?”

“In the mirror, you could see the other side of your desk, and there my daughter’s face is. You have a photo of her on your desk.” Najia nodded. “Clearly you miss her, so why did you leave?”

The Doctor looked over to Yaz and closed her eyes tight. “She doesn’t want me anymore.” She looked down at her hands and took a deep breath, looking up at Najia. “Could you stay in this flat or this town if Hakim left without explaining anything?”

Najia’s face morphed into one of complete confusion. “What? You’re the one who disappeared for a week and turned up with a new address.”

“After Yaz packed her bag and told me she,” the Doctor had to stop and clear her throat to stop it from cracking, “After she told me she couldn’t do it anymore. She walked out and shattered my whole world.” The Doctor slumped back into her chair, picked up her cup and cradled it. “I couldn’t stay there a minute more. So I drove. And drove. And drove. I guess for a week because when I stopped I found some awful little place and that’s where I’ve been since. Waiting for her to call.” It wasn’t until something splashed into her cup that she realized she was crying. “I’m sorry.” She swiped at her cheeks. "This was all so different in my head." 

Najia gave her a kind smile. "I'm sure it was. Have you two spoken since you came back?"

The Doctor laughed. "I was working up to 'hi' when you caught me mid panic attack." 

A loud air horn sounded from the living room, causing everyone to jump. "Okay everybody up and grab a partner! We're going to turn this flat into a girls only rave!"

Sonya burst into the kitchen and grabbed the Doctor by the arm, pulling her out of her chair and away from Najia. "Come on, Doctor, show us those dance moves." Half the girls had left the living room to hide, no doubt as part of whatever game this was, leaving four others in the living room. 

She shrugged and started dancing. She knew her style wasn't what others considered 'good', but she had fun and usually those she was dancing with didn't mind. "Alright, and your partner is!" Two girls pushed another out of a room and she started walking backwards, doing a terrible rendition of the robot. 

The Doctor stopped dancing immediately. The woman with the air horn yelled at her. "Come on, you have to dance to win." But it didn't matter. Her heart was going to burst out of her chest, she could feel it. She started breathing faster, trying to get more oxygen, to get her legs to move, to do anything but stand there. She couldn't think of a single breathing exercise. She couldn't think at all, really, except at how quickly Yaz's face changed from laughter to irritation to concern.

Then the Doctor's legs gave out and everything went black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun! Thank you guys so much for reading and sticking with this. I love you all for it!


	7. Words Unsaid

“Doctor!” Yaz yelled in concern. She was kneeling by her side in a second, one hand on her face, the other on her pulse. With a sigh of relief she looked up. “Son, get me a cool cloth.” Sonya nodded and rushed off. Yaz rubbed the Doctor’s cheek with her hand. “Come on, babe. Open those eyes for me.” It took another few seconds, but the Doctor’s eyes did flutter open. 

A slow smile spread across her face and she reached up, her hand lightly brushing Yaz’s cheek. “Yaz,” she said, her voice so soft and full of happiness it nearly pulled tears to Yaz’s eyes. But then the Doctor’s eyes widened and she sat up and scooted back. “Yaz, sorry.”

Yaz could see in the slight tremble of the Doctor’s hands and the look in her eyes that she hadn’t fully recovered. She moved closer, once again by her side.. “Hey, it’s okay.” She grabbed the Doctor’s hand, placing it on her ribcage, and placed her own on the Doctor’s. “Look at me,” she said, and the fear she saw in those hazel eyes when they met hers was enough to destroy her. “Breathe with me. In.” Yaz took a deep breath and so did the Doctor. “And out.” They both released the breath. “Again.” In and out. In and out. In and out. When Yaz was satisfied the Doctor wasn’t going to panic again, she released her hand. 

Sonya came back into the room with the cloth, which Yaz took from her. “Come on, let’s take a walk,” Yaz said. She reached down to help the Doctor up, but the Doctor ignored her hand and pushed herself up from the ground, refusing to look at Yaz even as she followed her out the door.

They hadn’t made it more than a few steps when the Doctor stopped and turned, finally looking at Yaz. “I’m sorry. I knew better than to do this. Should’ve gone with the lads, but Ryan and Sonya insisted I have the hen do instead of the stag. You can go back in and enjoy your sister’s party.”

“When did your panic attacks get so bad?” Yaz asked. She stepped a little closer, searching for the little tells the Doctor had, the tightening of her eyes or the way her mouth would turn into a thin line.

The Doctor shrugged, which was another tell. She didn’t want to talk about this. “They used to be that bad when I was younger. There was just a lot going on and I forgot to breathe properly.”

Yaz noted the way the Doctor hadn’t answered her question, but instead of pushing the thought away, she decided to face it. What more did she have to lose? “Why do you do that?”

“It’s something neurological that-”

“No, Doctor. You avoid answering questions all the time. This is the problem. You won’t share with me.” Yaz stared at her, daring the Doctor to break her gaze.

The Doctor swallowed. “Yaz I. I don’t know. I don’t want…” The Doctor sighed and closed her eyes. “I don’t want you thinking less of me. Because I haven’t always been this person, and I’m not always proud of the things I’ve done.” The Doctor glanced at the lift down the hall, at the door to the Khan flat just a few feet away and then slid to the flood where she stood. “I only wanted to give you the good parts of me.”

Yaz sat too, her back on the opposite side of the hall. How could the Doctor not understand that Yaz wanted every part of her? “Did you really think I was so shallow?”

The Doctor looked up in shock. “No, Yaz. Never. You were amazing. Wonderful.” The Doctor gave her a smile and it filled Yaz’s heart. “You were everything I had ever wanted.” 

The past tense of the words hit Yaz like a sledgehammer.  _ Were. Wanted.  _ Not present tense. Not that the Doctor wanted her now, just that she had once upon a time. Was this what they were now, just sad smiles across a corridor?

The Doctor licked her lips, her eyes flitting to the lift again. “Thank you, Yaz. For helping me, in there. Not my finest moment, I’ll admit.” She stood and dusted off her clothes, taking a long look at Yaz. “I’ll be going, then.”

On instinct, Yaz jumped to her feet. “Wait, Doctor.” Her mind flowed with the words she wanted to say.  _ Please stay. I love you. I missed you. Don’t go. Can’t we talk some more? I think about you all the time. I need you. _ But the Doctor’s fingers were twitching even if the look on her face was hopeful, and Yaz let the words die on her tongue. “Be safe.”

The Doctor gave her a tight smile. “Always.”

Then she was down the lift and into the night. Sonya poked her head out the door after a few minutes to find Yaz still staring at the lift doors. “I swear,” she said, taking Yaz’s arm and leading her into the house. “You’re a right pair of idiots.”

Yaz didn’t have it in her to glare at Sonya. She didn’t have it in her for anything, really. Sonya joined her friends where they were crowded around a table, no doubt playing some terrible game where they collected ribbons for every use of the word husband or lover or something. With a deep breath, Yaz joined them. She laughed at the jokes, she lost ribbons and took ribbons, played the other games that had been planned, and was relieved when the party was over and all that was left in the flat was Sonya, Najia, and herself.

It was nearly 2 A.M. while she sat with a cup of tea, staring blankly at the ending credits of some terrible sci-fi movie the Doctor had loved. Najia came out from her room, squinting in the light from the tv. “Yaz? You should be getting some sleep.”

Yaz looked down at her cup of tea. “I can’t. Our first real conversation in months and I fussed at her. Why?”

With a sigh, Najia sat next to Yaz and put a comforting hand on her shoulder that only made Yaz feel worse. She swallowed against a lump in her throat. “The two of you should talk, Yaz. I think you both have a lot you want to say that you aren’t.”

Yaz looked at her mother, at the comforting and knowing gaze, and let herself be cradled for a moment in her maternal embrace. “I just want her back,” Yaz whispered. “That’s all I want.”

Najia stroked Yaz’s hair. “I know. I know.” She felt Najia take a deep breath. “I think she feels the same.”

Yaz extracted herself from her mother and shook her head. “No. She couldn’t wait to be gone. She was dying to get away from me.”

“That can’t be true.”

“It is!” Yaz’s voice was growing rough. “She doesn’t love me anymore.”

Najia shook her head but Yaz cut off what she was about to say. “I’m going to sleep. We’ve got the rehearsal dinner tomorrow.”

“If you would stop for a second and listen,” Najia said, but Yaz was already shutting her bedroom door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very excited to share the next few chapters with you guys! Can't wait to see what you think about this one.


	8. Sharing is Caring

All the Doctor heard in her head for the short walk back to the O’Brien’s was Yaz’s words.  _ This is the problem. You won’t share with me.  _ The Doctor didn’t know  _ how _ to share. She didn’t want Yaz’s pity. She didn’t want Yaz thinking any less of her and if she told Yaz everything, then she would. If she told Yaz, she would probably run screaming.

_ This is the problem. You won’t share with me. _

One night after a particularly bad panic attack when the Doctor thought she wasn’t going to be able to complete some highly important research, Yaz had asked her why she started having panic attacks. The Doctor had shrugged and said something about how she’d had them since childhood; that was all true, but only because her parents had pushed her to study, to know everything she could, so that by the time she was ten she panicked when she got something wrong. 

_ This is the problem. You won’t share with me. _

She had made so many friends after finally going away to college and they had all worked to smooth out the parts of her she was trying to hide from Yaz. River pushed her to explore herself and her wants to the point that, for a while, it was all she cared about. Rose taught her kindness and patience, but that she also came with a burning curiosity that tended to lead them both into trouble and more than a few near-misses with law enforcement. Clara had pushed her to a near reckless abandon with her work until the powers that be stepped in and forced them apart. 

_ This is the problem. You won’t share with me. _

She had hurt people and she was trying her best not to. Not that it had worked. She had clearly hurt Yaz anyway. That’s why she had shut herself away, doing her work in Leeds and going back to the miniature flat. She didn’t reach out to her colleagues, didn’t make bonds with her students, did nothing. If people stayed away from her, they couldn’t get hurt. 

_ This is the problem. You won’t share with me. _

She didn’t know how to tell Yaz any of this. That she’d gotten people hurt. That sometimes her research went wrong. That sometimes what she did for fun went wrong. That so many times people would follow her into whatever she was doing and while they always paid the price, she left without a scratch. 

_ This is the problem. You won’t share with me. _

How could she explain to Yaz that  _ she _ was grounding. That while everyone else pushed her, higher and harder and further, Yaz let her be. Yaz was happy with who she knew the Doctor was and the Doctor was terrified of breaking that happiness. That belief that the Doctor was good when the Doctor knew how much of the opposite she could be. Of how little it really took to push her to those extremes, of being willing to let others pay the price for her mistakes. Lost jobs. Lost time. Once, when she was still very young, even a lost life. 

_ This is the problem. You won’t share with me. _

She made her way up the stairs and fell onto the bed in her room. Despite the whirring of her mind, she was fast asleep before the boys got home. 

-

The Doctor was driving slowly, worried that if she drove too fast the custom fruit baskets would turn over. They had been a last minute addition to the rehearsal dinner menu, something Ryan thought Sonya would like. It was only because she was driving so slowly that she recognized the person in the red leather jacket struggling with what she was carrying. Almost without thought, the Doctor pulled up to the curb, rolled down her window, and called out. “Yaz! Need a lift?”

When Yaz’s eyes met the Doctor and the Tardis, relief washed over her face. “Yes,” she said. The Doctor hadn’t been nervous until she had seen Yaz’s face, but now her stomach was full of butterflies. The morning had been filled thinking of things she could share with Yaz, ways she could possibly stitch together this rift between them. 

She hopped out of the van and slid the side door open, allowing Yaz to put down everything she had been carrying. “Sonya asked me to get more drinks and  _ then _ took the car. She’s afraid Ryan didn’t get enough.” Then she turned, bumping into the Doctor. There was a sharp intake of breath, though the Doctor wasn’t sure if it came from Yaz or herself. 

There was once a time when the Doctor would have closed the gap and given Yaz a chaste kiss, where they would have shared a giggle and a smile, where they wouldn’t both freeze at being so near each other. The reaction was still there, still engrained, and she wanted to follow through with the instinct, but she couldn’t. Instead, the Doctor stepped away and pressed her lips into a thin line while Yaz shut the door. 

They got back into the van and sat off again. “Guess you’re going my way, then.”

“Yep.” The silence was comfortable for a few minutes, until the radio started playing a song about missing a lover and the Doctor could feel the tension in the air. The song wasn’t long, though the Doctor had a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel by the time the last two lines, “But I need you to know that I care, and I miss you,’ played. Blessedly, the radio host cut to commercial and some parody song trying to sell chips came on. Yaz cleared her throat. “So, did you get home okay last night?”

The Doctor nodded. “Yeah. Fell right to sleep when I got there. Did you enjoy the rest of Sonya’s party?”

“Yeah,” Yaz said. She looked out the window and sighed. “I watched that old sci-fi movie you love so much.” 

The Doctor raised her eyebrow and made Yaz laugh. The sound flooded through her and she felt herself relax more. “That really isn’t specific enough, Yaz.”

“I know! The one with the, you know.” Yaz held up her hands and acted like they were claws and bared her teeth. 

Now the Doctor was laughing. “The Vampire who Came from Space?”

“Yeah!” Yaz leaned back, both of them laughing. “It was so bad!”

“Oi, it’s a classic!”

Yaz grinned and shook her head. “You would think so.” 

The music came back on the radio. From the first cord, the Doctor knew exactly what song was playing. Her grip tightened on the steering wheel and she clenched her teeth. She didn’t know how many times she had listened to this song and thought about Yaz, but the song about wishing the person you loved was with you again was seared into her brain. She only made it halfway through the song before she had to turn it off. The easy mood that had been forming was gone again. 

She chanced a glance at Yaz, but her back was turned as she took a deep interest in the view outside the window. Her back was tensed, though, and the Doctor longed to reach out and rub away the stress like she used to do. She ached for the ease and the laughter that had filled the Tardis just minutes ago. 

_ This is the problem. You won’t share with me. _

What was something she could share? A funny story, of course. It had to be funny. Or maybe she could ask Yaz to… No, no this was her fault. Everything that was happening was her fault, and if she wanted to even try to be Yaz’s friend again, she had to be the one to fix it. “Did I ever tell you about the time I failed a test on purpose?”

Yaz shifted in her seat and shook her head. “No.”

The Doctor nodded. “I was probably about seven and mad at my parents. I don’t remember why. I think they had taken my doll or something? But I wanted to get back at them, so I was doing the test online, which took forever because we only had dial-up internet then, and when I submitted it, it came back that I got a zero. My parents were furious.”

Yaz smiled. “I can see that. You were probably deviously adorable when you were angry at that age.” She paused for a second and then, giving herself a slight nod, asked, “Did you get in trouble?”

“Of course. I had just qualified for the under 14 Mensa acceptance, so they expected me to get it all. They were furious.” The Doctor laughed again at the memory. “It was so worth it to seven year old me.”

“Then what did they do?”

The Doctor caught herself mid-shrug and forced her shoulders down. “Oh. Well, just the usual.” She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “Sorry. I’m trying to share, I really am.” Then she swallowed. “It was their version of a grounding, and pretty light honestly, comparatively. Took my bedding and all my things other than my school books.” 

“That’s awful.” Yaz reached out and put a hand on the Doctor’s arm. “You were only seven, they could have talked to you.”

The Doctor kept her eyes on the road. “They wanted me to realize what was important. They said knowledge was the only important pursuit in life.” She readjusted her grip on the steering wheel, suddenly wishing for the music to be back. “I changed my mind about that eventually, but it stuck around for a while.”

“And that was a  _ light _ punishment? What else did they do?”

The Doctor shook her head. “I can’t talk about this while I’m driving, Yaz. I know it wasn’t right but it was normal for me.” When she allowed herself a glance at Yaz, she saw a sadness in her eyes and looked away. “I’m fine now, so it doesn’t matter.”

Yaz made a noise like she wanted to argue but instead she pulled the Doctor’s hand from the steering wheel and squeezed it. If the Doctor tried really hard, she found she could almost believe it was out of love and not pity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe there are only two chapters left? What are our protagonists to do?


	9. The Rehersal

Energy thrummed through the room. They had run through the ceremony twice and now everyone had gathered into the dining area to have dinner before the real event the next day. It seemed that everyone had divided themselves along the bride or groom lines at the table with very little overlap. Yaz’s eyes were drawn to the Doctor, who was sitting between Ryan and Graham, laughing. She had changed into the rainbow striped shirt Yaz used to steal from her. Not looking where she was going, Yaz ran into one of the groomsmen. 

Her entire plate of food had been pushed into his shirt. Her eyes wide, she stepped back. “I’m so sorry,” she muttered. She took the one napkin she had in her hand and fruitlessly wiped at his shirt. 

“It’s okay,” he said, taking the napkin from her, his hand lingering a moment longer than necessary. “No harm done.”

Was this what she should be looking for? A way to move on? Her eyes flitted back to the Doctor, who was watching with interest. It didn’t matter if it was what she should be doing. She didn’t want it. Yaz turned and walked away, leaving the mess on the floor. She found the bathroom that was blessedly empty and stopped at the sink, gazing at herself in the mirror. She took a few deep breaths and steeled herself before walking back out the door. 

A frighteningly familiar ‘ow,’ sounded from behind it. The door swung shut to reveal the Doctor holding a hand to her nose. First the plate and now this, was Yaz doomed to run into everyone tonight?

“Are you okay?” she asked. She pulled the Doctor’s hand away from her nose and looked. “You aren’t bleeding.”

“That’s good,” the Doctor said. Her hand wrapped around Yaz’s for a second as they looked at each other. The noise of the dinner was muffled behind two sets of clear glass doors. It was almost like they were completely alone.

Realization that the wedding was  _ tomorrow _ sat in on Yaz. Tomorrow, and then the Doctor would be gone again. Off to Leeds. Off to the life she had left them behind for. If she was going to get any of the answers she craved, it had to be now. There was one she wanted more than anything. 

“Why did you leave?” Yaz’s voice was low when she asked.

The Doctor shook her head. “Yaz,  _ you _ left. Packed your bags and walked out. And I’m sorry for whatever it was I did that made you do that.” The Doctor blinked back tears and looked up at the ceiling. She watched as the Doctor rolled her shoulders as if preparing for a fight. “I still don’t know what happened and it kills me every day. I keep replaying every second in my head to find out what I did, but I can’t. I don’t know.” Tears dripped onto the Doctor’s shirt as she spoke, her voice wavering. She looked at Yaz, the saddest smile Yaz had ever seen on her lips. “I thought at first I would come here and apologise and tell you I’ll never do it again, but the only problem I can come up with is me. It was just me you didn’t want anymore.” She pressed the heel of her palms into her eyes and Yaz broke. 

Yaz pulled the Doctor to her, stroking her hair. “I’m sorry,” Yaz whispered. “I’m so sorry. Doctor, no, it was me.” She swallowed. “I came back not thirty minutes after I left and you were gone. I thought you had gone back to River.”

The Doctor stiffened and took a step back, red watery eyes meeting Yaz’s. “Why would I have gone back to River?”

Yaz looked away, shame washing over her features. “I kept imagining what you might be doing with her and then when you weren’t home, it was like a conformation of my worst fears. Especially when you wouldn’t answer your phone.”

The Doctor’s face scrunched in confusion. “I chucked my phone out the window of the Tardis. Had to get a new one. The old one’s in a river somewhere.” She licked her lips. “But I don’t understand, Yaz. You knew what River and I were doing.”

Yaz shook her head. “I worried that it wasn’t just research.”

The Doctor shook her head, the line between her brow deep. “Yaz I’m not following. It did sometimes include dinner if one of us remembered humans needed to eat.” 

It wasn’t that Yaz didn’t think the Doctor was sincere, but it took a second for her to realize the Doctor wasn’t understanding how jealous Yaz had been. The realization was clear on her face. “You really don’t understand, do you? All the time you spent with River, the way you talked about how brilliant she is, your history together, and you don’t get it.” The Doctor shook her head. “Anytime I brought it up or tried to talk to you about it, all you said was ‘It’s just River’ like that made it better when that was part of the problem.”

The Doctor frowned. “It  _ was _ just River?” 

“Doctor, I was jealous and you weren’t doing anything to make me think I shouldn’t be.” Yaz hated the way her heart still melted when the Doctor’s face scrunched in confusion. 

“Jealousy isn’t real. It’s like a made up concept for drama.” The Doctor paused, her thinking face on as she looked at Yaz. “Or I guess it is real but I’ve never experienced it.”

Yaz blinked. “What? You’ve never been jealous? Ever?”

The Doctor shook her head. “No.”

“Not even when River or Rose or anyone moved on?”

There was the scrunch again. “I was happy for River. If I wasn’t what made her happy then it was time for me to step back. We’re still friends. I still care about River’s happiness, and Rose’s, all of my friends.”

“You told me Rose got with Jack while you two were still living together. That didn’t make you a little bit jealous?”

“Rose and I never had a romantic relationship. I would have liked one and I think she was into it, but then Jack came and they made each other so happy. How could I have gotten upset over that?”

They stood in silence for a moment, both taking in what had been said. The sound of chairs moving across the floor could be heard as people moved about. 

The question was quiet when Yaz asked, like she was almost afraid of the answer that would follow. “Do you still love them?”

The Doctor nodded and opened her mouth to reply, but Najia’s voice came, loud and clear even through the doors. “Yaz?” 

Yaz turned and looked through the glass doors, biting her lip before looking back at the Doctor.

“Go on. It’s okay.”

Yaz almost didn’t. She wanted to stay, to sort this out, but then there was Hakim’s voice. “Yaz, we have to get Sonya gone soon. It’s nearly time for their separation.” 

Shoulders slumped, she looked back at the Doctor, taking in her bloodshot eyes and that terribly sad smile and then pushed through the doors to her family. 

Yaz tried to breeze past her family, but Sonya caught her arm. “Why are you crying?” Yaz’s eyes flickered to the glass doors, where the Doctor was emerging, swiping at her cheeks. “Have you guys been fighting?”

“No,” Yaz said, shaking her head. “I don’t know. We were talking but the time passed. Let’s just go, okay?” 

Sonya wrapped an arm around Yaz’s shoulder. “We didn’t know. It wasn’t that important, I could have waited.”

Yaz thought back to the question, to the Doctor  _ nodding _ , and fresh tears sprang to her eyes. “It doesn’t matter. We were done.”

At home, she crawled into her bed, staring at the dark ceiling and willing sleep to take her away. It would be better than the thoughts rushing through her head. The whole conversation had been so confusing. 

The Doctor was still in love with other people. Always had been, it seemed. But it also seemed like she was trying to tell Yaz she still loved her. She had been so upset, too, and Yaz hadn’t expected that at all. 

But she hadn’t closed herself off. She had shared, freely and willingly. Yaz hadn’t had to pry anything from her. 

Yaz eventually fell into a fitful sleep, the conversation haunting her dreams.  _ It was just me you didn’t want anymore. Jealousy isn’t real. Do you still love them? A nodding head. _

Yaz woke to a pounding on her door and Najia’s voice telling her to get up. She fumbled for her phone and saw it was dead, meaning she had slept through her alarms. With a groan she pulled herself out of bed and started getting ready for Sonya’s big day. 


	10. Holding the Universe

The Doctor all but dropped into her seat next to Graham. She grinned over at him. “You’ve been busy,” he said and she nodded.

“Apparently, the mother of the groom does more than just make a speech at the reception. Who knew?” She had spent that morning in a rush trying to do everything she needed to do. She had tried to give Ryan an encouraging speech, though by his expression she wasn’t sure how well it had gone, gotten dressed, and waited for the signal from Najia that Sonya was in the bridal quarters and that Ryan could arrive. All before leaving the house! Once she had arrived, it had been up to her and Najia to see to the caterers, triple check the seating charts, and really, try to fill in as much time as she could so she wouldn’t think about what today was. 

Not that she wasn’t happy for Ryan and Sonya. She was doing her best to put them at the front of her mind. She was doing her best to be happy for them, but she couldn’t help that her mind flashed to the last time she had been involved with a wedding of her own.

She and Yaz had planned something simple, rather like the one Ryan and Sonya were having. They had settled on the venue, and the menu, and the cake, and had been so close to sending out their invitations. The Doctor had been considering the fuse box when Najia had found her and told her it was time to take their seats. 

Graham chuckled just as the music started and the Doctor looked back, watching as two young children pranced up the aisle, dropping flower petals. Then Sonya came up the aisle, her smile wider than should have been possible and filled to the brim with joy. She only had eyes for Ryan and the love coming from them was infectious, filling the room. 

As Sonya stationed herself in front of Ryan and as the officiant began speaking, the Doctor’s eyes fell to the one person she had been avoiding, Yaz. Her smile was soft, her eyes glistening as she watched the ceremony, but the Doctor couldn’t look away from her. 

Her hair was curled into soft ringlets, the dusty rose bridesmaid dress lighting up her brown skin, giving her more warmth and filling the Doctor’s heart with want. Her eyes finally moved away from Yaz and to the couple, but her mind removed them and placed her and Yaz in their stead, and suddenly the Doctor’s cheeks were wet. She put her hand over her mouth, doing her best to tear those thoughts from her head, but they wouldn’t go. 

Images kept flashing through her head. Her hand, shaking slightly, as she slid the ring onto Yaz’s finger. Yaz’s sunlight grin and starlight eyes, only for her. All thoughts of what could have been. 

Then Ryan and Sonya were facing the crowd and the ceremony was over. The Doctor took a shaky breath and sat. She waved Graham off when he asked if she was okay. Of course she was, she lied. She just needed one minute to collect herself. To remember the beautiful speech she had prepared for Ryan. To get the awful pain out of her chest. To do her breathing exercises in peace.

She blinked when a cup of ice appeared in front of her face. She followed the arm up to the face it belonged to, her chest tightening twice as much when she saw Yaz. Up close more than she imagined it could be. Flakes of glitter sat on her skin, making her shimmer. “Graham said you were working into a state,” she said, holding the cup out again. The Doctor took a piece of ice and put it in her mouth, her eyes not leaving Yaz. 

This, here, all of it, was too much. She and Yaz were at a wedding that wasn’t their own, were barely speaking, and it was ripping the Doctor apart from the inside. “Better now?” Yaz asked, sitting the cup on the floor. 

Yaz looked concerned when the Doctor didn’t answer, reaching up and putting the back of her hand on the Doctor’s forehead. 

Before she had a chance to think about the words or worry about what might happen, the Doctor grabbed Yaz’s hand. “I miss you. I miss you so much, Yaz, I love you so much, it hurts. I’m sorry I left and that I didn’t listen when you were hurt. I’m sorry for everything. Please, I love you.” Her heart thudded against her chest as she looked at Yaz, searching her face for any sign of hope, praying that she wasn’t too late. Hoping against all the odds that Yaz still loved her, too. That Yaz still wanted her. It was like a fire in her chest as she waited, the seconds seeming to stretch into eternity. If Yaz said no, if she left now, the Doctor didn’t know what she would do. 

The Doctor watched as Yaz’s expressions morphed from concern to confusion to shock and then, finally, elation. Elation for just a second before Yaz grabbed the Doctor’s lapels and pulled them together. 

Their lips crashed together, months of desperate longing pouring into the kiss. Yaz pulled back for air, her words breathless when they came. “I’m sorry.” Then they were together again, Yaz’s hand gripping the Doctor’s neck, pulling her closer. “I love you, too.” The Doctor’s hands had gripped her sides firmly, holding her in place. Yaz pulled away for the final time, resting her forehead against the Doctor’s. “I never want to lose you again.”

“You never have to,” the Doctor said. 

They looked into each other's eyes, hazel meeting brown, euphoric smiles on both their faces. This was it, everything the Doctor had wanted for the last ten months. Yaz here, in front of her, in her arms, loving her back. It was almost enough to bring the Doctor to tears. She saw her own happiness reflected in Yaz’s eyes and could have drowned in that forever. 

After a moment, Yaz giggled. “You’re supposed to be giving a speech right now, aren’t you?”

The Doctor’s eyes widened. “Oh no.” She stood and rushed off, a giggling Yaz trailing in her wake. The Doctor burst into the reception banquet and slowed her pace, ignoring all the eyes on her. She slid into her chair next to Ryan, who looked at her with eyebrows raised. “So what’s all this, then?” he asked.

“What?”

He didn’t even try to suppress the grin. “Your hair is a mess and somehow you have lipstick on.” The Doctor felt her face heat as the doors to the banquet hall opened again and Yaz strolled up to the table, to take her place next to her mother. Ryan looked from Yaz to the Doctor and gave a relieved laugh. “Finally, mate. I didn’t think you two would ever get there.”

The Doctor busied herself with looking through her speech cards.

-

Yaz had her head pressed to the Doctor’s chest as the Doctor ran her fingers through Yaz’s dark hair. Graham had insisted they go back to his place and then left for drinks, so the Doctor and Yaz found themselves well and truly alone. They lay on the bed, still in their wedding attire, limbs intertwined, each taking in as much as they could of the other. 

The Doctor delighted in the simple feeling of Yaz breathing next to her. “Yaz,” she said, and Yaz shifted to look up at the Doctor’s face. “I promise I’ll be more open with you, if you promise to give me time to be open.”

Yaz pushed up from the bed and the Doctor followed until they were both sitting against the headboard. “I’ll tell you when I’m feeling jealous, too, or anything like that.” Yaz paused, her smile fading. “Yesterday, you said you still loved River and Rose.”

The Doctor took Yaz’s hand and pressed a light kiss to her fingertips. “When you love someone, it never goes away. Love is so free and abundant, Yaz. It’s in the air we breathe and the food we eat and the songs we sing. You can never love two people the same way. It's all different and it is all infinite. It goes on forever and it always will.” She cupped Yaz’s face in her hands, looking deeply into her eyes. “I’ll never be in love with anyone the way I’m in love with you, Yasmin Khan. The love I have for you is the brightest in my soul. It will never be put out. None will ever burn brighter or hotter.”

Yaz put her hand over the Doctor’s, her eyes sparkling with tears of love. “Careful, love. The end almost sounded like wedding vows.” The Doctor swallowed as she felt her cheeks heat, and Yaz’s eyes widened. “Seriously?” 

The Doctor shrugged and closed her eyes, letting her hands fall from Yaz’s face as she put her head on Yaz’s shoulder. “We were engaged. I’ve had them memorized for a while.” With a sigh she looked back up. “Watching Ryan and Sonya today, it was all I could think about.”

Suddenly, Yaz was out of the bed, leaving the Doctor with only cold, empty air. “Yaz?”

“Hold on,” she said, grabbing her leather jacket off the floor. She unzipped the top right pocket and pulled out something that glinted, but hid it in her hand as she crawled onto the bed and back up to the Doctor. She had a self-conscious smile as she opened her hand, revealing a sparkling engagement ring. “We can still be engaged, if you wanted.”

The Doctor beamed and reached under the collar of her shirt, pulling out a chain with her own ring. “I kept mine, too.”

With a full heart, the Doctor pulled the ring off the chain and traded it for the one in Yaz’s hand. As she slid the ring onto Yaz’s finger, and with all the love she felt in her heart, the words came out with a giddy tremble. “Marry me, Yaz?”

“Yes,” Yaz said. She pulled the Doctor’s hand to her, slipping the ring onto her finger. Yaz leaned forward, bringing her lips to meet the Doctor’s. 

-

It was dark when the Doctor woke to the sound of the front door closing. She heard Graham shuffling up the steps and took a deep, easy breath. Yaz was still sleeping, wrapped in the Doctor’s arms. Softly, so as to not wake her, the Doctor pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Yaz’s head and smiled. 

Her mind drifted to tomorrow and the days to come. They would have to tell Yaz’s family they were together again. It had been obvious at the wedding, dancing only with each other, the smiles, the kisses. But they hadn’t _said_ it, not yet. 

The Doctor wouldn’t be staying in Leeds. She would have to finish out this term, but after that, she would find something else. Something in Sheffield, where her family was. With Yaz. And they would have to find a new place, unless by some miracle their old one was still available. 

Yaz mumbled something unintelligible in her sleep, pulling the Doctor from her thoughts. She snuggled closer to Yaz and tightened her hold, letting her eyes fall shut. It would all come with time, but right now, the Doctor held her entire universe, and that was all she needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is a wrap! Thank you to everyone who stuck with me on this journey and another thank you to my wonderful beta verynearlysouffled! She came up with a couple of sentences here, even, and is the whole reason this fic is even half-way decent. 
> 
> I hope you have all enjoyed it and would love to hear your thoughts!


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